Log in

No account? Create an account

Мой мир

Из сборника Лавута / From Verses by Lavut

Из сборника Лавута / From Verses by Lavut

Previous Entry Поделиться Next Entry
Ночь белый пар выдыхает несмело
И расставляет копнами в полях.
Резко и страшно птица запела
Где-то на мокнущих тёмных ветвях.

Голос твой тихий издалека
Топит ночной темноты река.
Что-то легко отвечаю я -
И всё поглощают ночные поля.

Отдельно я и отдельно ты
На разных краях ночной темноты,
На разных краях ночного тумана.
Холодно. пусто и без обмана.

A trial translation:

Night very softly exhales the steam

And sets it in haycocks in the fields.

A bird has frightfully started to sing

On soaking dark branches of distant trees.


Your low voice from the other side

Sinks in the river of deep dark night.

And what I lightly reply to this

Is fully absorbed by the moonlit fields.


We are separate, me and you

On different sides of the meadow,

On different sides of the night-time mist.

It’s empty, cold, and no frauds exist.
  • This is very beautiful. Is it your original composition?

    I would offer the following suggestions on the translation:
    "breathes timidly out the steam" --> "exhales the mist" or "softly exhales the mist"
    "lightly" --> "lightly" is OK, but you may mean "softly", which means "not loud"
    "frightfully" --> "timidly" ("Frightfully" would mean unpleasant, i.e., the bird sounds awful, and it would frighten YOU to listen to it. I think you mean the bird is a little bit afraid. "Fearfully" would mean the bird is very afraid.)
    "nightly" --> "night time" ("nightly" means something that happens every night. "Night time" as an adjective means something that happens at night. You could also use "moonlit fields" to indicate night.)

    Your English is really excellent. These suggestions are minor.
    • Thanks for the compliments and suggestions!

      "Night-time" and "moonlit" look better than "nightly" and "exhale" exceeds "breath out". I have left "frightfully", because the author really means that it is the bird that frightens the spectator (maybe. an awl?). The same about "lightly": the difference between "lightly" and "softly" is the same in Russian, and the author has used the former word. Does he mean "softly"? Maybe, but I'm not sure.

      The author is not quite familiar to me, but I looked through various verse books in a bookshop and that one impressed me more. His poems are rather sad and deal with separations. Looks like he has painfully experienced divorce in his own life.
  • При ночное пение.

    Что-то легко отвечаю я -
    И всё поглощают ночные поля.


    К ночи пение птиц замолчало.
    Им цикад стрекот отвечал.
Разработано LiveJournal.com